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  He pushed back and slumped in his chair. “Yes I am. I’m not

  “Like a party,” he said. “We get together whatever alcohol we can good enough for you. I know I’m not.”

  find and we all meet up in this clearing—”

  He looked so sad and small and sorry all of a sudden that, even

  “And you supply the drugs . . . ,” I said sarcastically.

  as angry as I was—as disappointed—I felt the need to make him feel

  “No!” he blurted. “Not tonight. I won’t. Not if you don’t want

  better about himself. I felt the need to protect him.

  me to.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  I took a deep breath. What was I doing here? Did I really want to

  “No. It’s true,” he said. “But I can change, Reed. I can change for get involved in all this? But then, something he had said had

  you.”

  intrigued me.

  A lump welled up in my chest and traveled to my throat. No one

  “Who’s ‘we all’?” I asked.

  had ever made me promises like this before. No one had ever

  “Me and the guys and, of course, your little friends over there,”

  counted me important enough. Not my mother, not anyone. But I

  he said, tipping his head toward the Billings table. “Like Dash could was still wary. This person was a drug dealer, after all. A dangerous go anywhere without Noelle stapled to his side.”

  image was one thing. Actual danger was quite another.

  And then I started to salivate. Okay. Let’s think logically about

  “I want you back,” Thomas said, leaning forward and taking my

  this. An illegal party in the woods with Thomas and the Billings hand. He held it on top of the table and stared at it like it was some Girls could definitely get me booted right out of this school and kind of lifeline. “I’ll do anything to get you back.”

  back into the cesspool that was my hometown. But then going to

  “Thomas—”

  this private little party would also give me a chance to corner Noelle

  “You don’t have to answer right now,” he said, cutting me off.

  and the others, to make them hear me out. And to show them that I

  “But I want to talk to you some more. Can we at least keep talking?”

  wasn’t a total loss. If I could get a senior guy to invite me to an illicit Talking wasn’t a promise of anything. It was just talking. And it party in the woods, that had to be worth something. Even if that didn’t even mean tonight or tomorrow or next week. It was all

  senior boy was Thomas Pearson.

  appealingly vague. “Sure,” I said finally.

  I would just have to use this party to my advantage.

  His smile brightened the room. “Good. Listen, there’s this

  I looked into Thomas’s hopeful, tired eyes and knew how much

  thing tonight. In the woods. Kind of a way to blow off steam before it would mean to him if I said yes. Even more important, I knew how all the parents get here. Will you come?”

  much it could mean to me.

  “What kind of thing?”

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll go.”

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  I reached for the door behind me and was about to run, but then the figure stepped into the light and I choked out a relieved sigh. It wasn’t some insane-asylum escapee. It was just Josh.

  “Hey,” he said.

  INTO THE WOODS

  When he smiled, everything relaxed. How could I have thought

  this person was threatening, with his golden curls and baby face?

  He wore a long black coat over a hooded gray sweatshirt and jeans.

  “You scared the hell out of me,” I said. “Where’s Thomas?”

  “Sorry,” Josh said, lifting one shoulder. “Thomas sent me to get That night I lay in bed in flannel pants and a T-shirt, waiting until you. He wanted to get up to the party early.”

  eleven o’clock, when I was to sneak out and meet Thomas behind

  Nice. He sent his errand boy to come get me? What kind of

  Bradwell. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. What would the maneuver was that from a person who was looking for forgiveness?

  Billings Girls do when I crashed their party? Would they be angry?

  Apparently he was so eager to drown his sorrows that he couldn’t Would they turn me around and send me right back? The possibil-even wait for me.

  ity made my stomach feel weak, but I had no alternatives.

  “We should get going,” Josh said. “You ready?”

  The moment my digital alarm clock clicked over to eleven, I

  A lump had formed in my throat.

  whipped my sheets off and stuffed my feet into my sneakers. I

  “Yeah,” I said finally.

  grabbed my denim jacket and the flashlight from the emergency kit

  “Follow me,” Josh replied. “And stay close.”

  my father had insisted I bring to school. Constance, deep sleeper Josh whipped up the hood on his gray sweatshirt, crouched low,

  that she was, didn’t even stir as I opened the door and tiptoed out.

  and took off across the quad. I ducked and did the same, cursing Outside, the night air was cool and crisp. There wasn’t a sound myself for not thinking to wear a hat or hood as well. It made

  on campus except for the thousands of crickets that blanketed the perfect sense. The more one was covered, the less likely one could grounds. Thomas was nowhere to be seen.

  be picked out of a lineup.

  I took a deep breath, held it, then whispered. “Thomas?”

  By the time we got to the edge of campus, I was out of breath. Not Instantly a figure stepped out of the shadows. I nearly jumped

  from the run, but from the certainty that at any second floodlights were out of my skin. Especially when I registered the awkward move-going to flick on and the entire faculty and staff would be waiting to ment, the slightly bulky frame. This was not Thomas.

  arrest us. But nothing happened. The campus was as quiet as a tomb.

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  “This way,” Josh whispered over his shoulder.

  “Want a beer or something?” Josh asked, touching the small of

  We stuck close to the tree line, walking up the hill and then

  my back.

  along the end zone of the football field. Right behind the score-

  “No, thanks,” I said.

  board, which loomed up against the star-filled sky, Josh hooked a He smiled and loped off toward the fire. I turned toward Ariana left and cut into the woods. My heart pounded as I followed, and and the others.

  the practical side of me suddenly realized that I was following a

  “Hi,” I said.

  strange guy I didn’t know into the woods in the dark of night. I They looked up, noticing me for the first time.

  wanted to say something to break the silence, to ease my tension,

  “What’re you doing here?” Kiran said.

  but what?

  I rolled my shoulders back and steeled myself.

  Hey, Josh? I know you look cute and innocent and all, but are you Kiran pushed herself up and faced me. She wore a gorgeous

  planning on raping me out here and leaving me for dead? Just curious.

  broadcloth coat that skimmed the ground. Elegant even in the middle I kept my mouth shut.

  of the woods.

  We followed a circuitous dirt path deeper into the woods. Every

  “I . . . needed to talk to you,” I said. I glanced at Thomas over by now and then the leaves would rustle overhead, sending my pulse the fire, hoping he would stay away—give me some time. He laughed into spasms. Just when I
was about to buck caution and ask how

  at something Gage said, took a swig from his beer, and slung his much farther we were going to walk, I heard a boy’s whoop followed arm over his friend’s shoulder. It was as if I weren’t even there.

  by a round of laughter. One more turn and we were standing in a

  “What about? Is everything okay?” Ariana asked, ever the mother clearing where a small fire had been lit in a much-used rock pit.

  figure. I was touched that she asked. Perhaps all was not lost.

  Kiran, Ariana, and Taylor sat in a circle on a low, flat rock, drinking

  “Yeah,” I said. “I just—”

  from a flask and whispering to each other. A half dozen guys stood Over Kiran’s shoulder, I saw Thomas drop an empty can on the

  around drinking from flasks and beer cans and cracking each other ground and crush it with his foot. He walked toward us, staggering up, along with Noelle, who looked perfectly comfortable among the slightly.

  men. Thomas was, of course, in the center. I caught his eye and was

  “What?” Taylor asked, turning around just as Thomas arrived.

  surprised when he didn’t come right over. Surprised, but somewhat

  “Ladies,” he said with a smirk. My heart pounded. He was

  relieved.

  trashed out of his skull. He held out both hands to me and bent his I had other business to attend to.

  fingers. “Come here.”

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  “We were talking,” Ariana said flatly.

  looked sickened. Kiran smirked and took a swig of her drink.

  “I invited her,” Thomas shot back.

  Ariana, as always, stared. Noelle just looked disappointed. This was He grabbed my hand and pulled. Too hard. I fell into him and he not what was supposed to happen tonight.

  tripped back slightly. I reddened in embarrassment.

  Thomas pulled away for one second and that was all the window

  “Thomas, can this wait?” I said, glancing at the girls.

  I needed. “Get off,” I said through my teeth. I raised my hands and

  “No. It can’t,” he replied, laughing.

  shoved him as hard as I could.

  He tugged me across the clearing, dancing me backward until I

  Thomas staggered back and almost fell, but touched his fingers

  was leaning against a huge tree. Then he pressed both my shoulders to the ground and righted himself, teetering back up to his feet. His back with his hands and kissed me. He tasted of beer and smelled chest heaved. Anger contorted his features. Silence fell.

  of ash from the fire.

  Don’t. Don’t embarrass me. I begged him with my eyes.

  “You forgive me, right?” he whispered, shoving my shoulders back

  “Why did you even come here?” Thomas spat. He was either to

  against the tree so hard that I couldn’t move. “You forgive me now.”

  angry to care or too drunk to notice my silent plea.

  “Thomas—”

  “I—”

  He covered my mouth with his. I struggled, but he pressed

  “Clearly it wasn’t for me,” he said.

  against me. Holding me there. His hands moved to my waist. I felt I automatically looked over at the Billings Girls. Thomas fol-him tug at my shirt. Felt his cool hands against my warm skin.

  lowed my gaze and laughed maniacally. “Oh, of course! How could I Before I knew what was happening, his palms started to travel up have been so stupid!” he announced grandly. “She’s here to suck up toward my bra. I yanked my face away from him with some effort.

  to you!” he shouted at Noelle. “That’s what this is about, right, new

  “Thomas, no,” I said.

  girl? All you care about is getting in with them. I wanna be a Billings

  “What?” he said blearily. Then he grinned. “Gimme a break.”

  Girl! I wanna be a Billings Girl! They’re my friends ! They’re so nice to He lunged for my neck and started kissing me again, his hands

  me!” he fake-whined.

  groping.

  I couldn’t breathe. He was throwing my own words in my face.

  “Hey, come on.” Hot tears sprang to my eyes. “Everyone’s

  Words I spoke to him in private.

  watching.”

  “Thomas—,” I said. It came out as a pathetic whisper.

  Thomas leered. “I know. I like it.”

  “What’re you, using me now?” he shouted. Thomas stepped

  I glanced toward Noelle, who had joined the others. Taylor

  toward me. He was right in my face. “Using me to get to them?”

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  I was going to throw up. Or pass out. What was he doing? How

  But then Kiran was there, hooking her arm under mine, and

  could he treat me like this after everything that had happened?

  hauling me up with Taylor’s help. Blearily, I looked around and saw

  “I—”

  that the Billings Girls, all of them, had gathered around me to face

  “Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I can’t be used , ” he said.

  Thomas. I tried to breathe without choking a sob. Tried to wrap my

  “And I no longer want you here.” He grabbed my shoulders and I

  brain around what was happening.

  gasped as he turned me around toward the path. “So go.”

  “Thomas, what the hell is wrong with you?” Ariana demanded.

  I stood motionless.

  “Come on! You all saw what happened!” Thomas said. “I just

  “Go!” he shouted.

  told her to go and she tripped! I didn’t even touch her.”

  I stumbled forward, my eyes blurring with tears. And then all of Noelle narrowed her eyes at him. That gaze turned on me would

  the sudden the ground was rushing up at me. My knee crashed into have cut me dead. “Dash?” she said.

  a sharp rock, and as I grabbed for my leg, I tumbled completely and

  “I’m on it,” her boyfriend replied, snapping to. “Dude. We need my temple slammed into the ground. I bit my tongue and tasted

  to talk,” he said, wrapping his thick arm around Thomas’s shoulders.

  blood as every bone in my body jarred. Taylor gasped and I

  He pulled him off toward the trees and my knees almost went out squeezed my eyes shut against a sudden onslaught of dizziness.

  from under me. Luckily, Kiran and Taylor were still supporting me.

  Through the confusion I felt Thomas kneel next to me. “Oh, my

  Supporting. Me.

  God. Are you okay?”

  Ariana stepped into my line of vision. “Are you all right?” she I flinched away from him and suddenly Noelle was between us.

  whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear.

  “Back off, Thomas,” she said firmly.

  “What just happened?” I heard myself say. I stared at the

  They were watching. The Billings Girls. They saw all of it. The ground. At the rocks, the fire, my favorite jeans ripped at the knee.

  humiliation was far worse than the pain.

  None of it was in focus, none of it made sense.

  Thomas stood and staggered back a couple steps. He looked pale

  “Get the fuck off me!”

  and shocked. “Are you all right?” Taylor asked, crouching next to me.

  I flinched and we all turned around to find Thomas throwing

  I tried to sit up. Thomas had shoved me to the ground. In front Dash away from him. Dash, about twice Thomas’s size, nearly fell of all these people. In front of Noelle and Ariana and Kiran and into the fire, but caught himself just in time. Thomas turned and Taylor. Why had I come here? What had I been thinking? All I had stormed
off into the woods in the opposite direction from the path.

  done was solidify my nonfuture.

  For a moment we all just stood there, stunned into silence.

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  The Billings Girls never left my side. But even with them rallying around me, I was beyond mortified. I couldn’t believe they had just witnessed all that. Thomas’s vehemence, his mocking. The

  things he had said about how much I wanted them to like me. What they must think of me now . . . I couldn’t even imagine. I had to get A NEW BEGINNING

  away from them.

  “I’m going back,” I announced.

  Noelle’s face grew serious. I averted my gaze, embarrassed.

  “No. You’re not,” Kiran said. “Screw him. Stay and have fun.”

  “I can’t,” I said, near breakdown. “I have to go.”

  “That’s it. From now on you are staying away from Thomas

  I turned around and staggered blindly into the path. I heard

  Pearson,” Noelle said. Her footsteps were heavy and unforgiving as footsteps behind me, and then a voice. “Reed, wait. I’ll walk you we stomped over the cool grass around the football field. “I don’t back.” I turned around. Noelle.

  know why you ever got involved with him. New-girl mistake.”

  With every step, my bloody knee twinged and I winced, feeling

  the humiliation and confusion anew. I was emotionally exhausted.

  Thomas had worn me down.

  “He said he wanted to apologize,” I told her. “He said he wanted to be good enough for me.”

  “Odd way of showing it,” Ariana said.

  I hadn’t even noticed her there until she spoke, but now I realized that the two of them flanked me like a security detail. I wanted to say something to make myself look better. To erase Thomas’s

  pathetic illustration of me as some kind of loser who was dying for their approval. But I had a feeling that anything I said would just make it worse.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

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  “I’m fine,” I said, hugging myself. “I just . . . don’t get it. What We were just approaching the back of Billings House, which was

  did I do?”

  right behind Bradwell, when we heard the sound of tires crunching

  “You didn’t do anything,” Noelle said, her thick hair bouncing

  over gravel. My heart hit my throat and Noelle yanked me roughly back from her face as we descended the hill toward the dorms,